Mom Wars

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Way Down We Go- Kaleo
Hold Back the River- James Bay
Love Songs Drug Songs- X Ambassadors
A Drop in the Ocean- Ron Pope
If You Ever Stopped Loving Me- Montgomery Gentry
In the Ayer- Flo Ryda
Flower- Moby

  Since becoming a mother I have officially been drafted into the war against other mothers.  The judgements, the "can-you-believes", the stares (given and received) and I have finally come to the conclusion that I no longer want to be a part of it.  And neither should any mother.  What are the opposing sides of the Mom Wars?  Oh, I'm so glad you asked.  We'll go over the biggies.  Please read this and listen as I debunk all of these "issues" that we deem so important in the raising of our children.  Hopefully by the end of the article, you'll want to throw down your Mommy Weapons just like me and hope this war will end in a truce.

-Natural Birth Vs. C-Section and the use of Epidurals
 
  Let's just start from the beginning.  By the time your baby is about to be born you have probably already encountered your fair share of opinions and interjections.  "Are you sure you should be lifting that?", "Do you need to sit down?", "It's just hormones."  God.  By now, you're ready for the baby to come out, but it seems no matter how it happens, you've got other moms ready to lay down some opinions of how you brought your kiddo into the world.  I know I have.  So, let me give you a brief summary of my birthing experience.

  My child was breach, and in an attempt to have a "normal" birthing experience, I had him turned at 36 weeks. (Btw, this procedure was in no way fun and ultimately was not worth having in my very humble opinion.)  He was late, very, very late, resulting in a scheduled induction.  It was hell.  My body never went into labor on it's own, I was completely confined to the bed and had so many wires and IVs coming out of me I should have been declared a part of hospital equipment.  After about fourteen hours of labor (which included manual water breaking) I was officially out of time and three centimeters away from pushing.  My body was under so much stress that I couldn't dialate any more. I got an epidural (I had declined a handful of times already, telling myself I could do it. Heh.  I feel no shame, there was no way I was going to get through the rest of my labor and still be able to push.)  In an hour we were pushing.  And stopping.  And pushing.  And stopping.  Something was wrong and my son's heartrate was dropping significantly.  Emergency C-Section it was!  And in four minutes, he was all mine.  After all of that.

  Did I plan on having an epidural?  No.  Did I want a C-Section?  No!  You're talking to a girl who has never been in the hospital for anything.  No broken bones, no high fevers, no nothing.  I was scared to death of having surgery; but I did it, because my kid wasn't going to survive delivery.  And now, because my first delivery was such a disaster, I'm not a good candidate for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).  The high doses of Pitocin weakened the lining of my uterus quite a bit, coupled with scar tissue from my surgery... it's not great.  C-Section is safest for me and future children.

  I've heard plenty of moms bashing epidurals.  "You can't even feel your baby being born.", "It's cheating.", "I'm sorry your doctor made you feel like you needed it.".  And bashing C-Sections.  "You didn't do any work.", "You can't really call yourself a mother if you didn't push him out.", "That must have been nice and easy."

  For anyone who has ever said any of those things to other women, how dare you.  Nobody has any right to dictate how I have my baby.  Do you know how painful it is to hear someone tell you you're not a real mother because I didn't push my kid out of my vagina?  Giving birth is not what makes you a mother.  Just ask the thousands of women who adopt babies or go with suragecy.  You would never dream of telling a woman who can't have children she doesn't love her kids, or that she doesn't count.  Why do we choose to tell each other such a hateful thing?  And having a C-Section was not easy or nice.  The recovery was horrible.

  Bottom line is I did what was safest for my child and for me.  And I will have another C-Section for the next kid.  I could risk a trial of labor, sure, but why would I risk the safety of my child's life (and mine) just so I can say that I did it?  Should I really put my unborn child's safety and risk the chance at leaving my existing child and husband to live without me for the sake of an experience?  Being a mother is the greatest experience.  I don't need the other stuff to convince me I'm a mom, or that I did the right thing.  You shouldn't either.

-Breast Feeding Vs. Formula

  Like I said, we're gonna cover all the biggies, and this is a HUGE one!  I breastfed.  And once I started going back to work, my breast milk turned to shit.  My kid was losing a bunch of weight and my doctors were very concerned.  A lack of sleep, poor nutrition and low fluid intake was the culprit to my breast milk taking a nosedive.  So I supplemented my breast milk with formula for three or four months.  Eventually, when I started staying home, I was able to go back to exclusively breastfeeding. 

  Breastfeeding is a serious struggle.  Yes, it's "natural" and "beautiful", like the hospitals and doctors try to sell you on, but it is some serious work and frustration.  I mean, it took a few months for me and little man to get good at it.  And those few months were rocky as hell.  Laced with lots of crying, pain and overall feelings of failure.  It. Is. Not. For. Everyone.  That being said, I full heartedly support breastfeeding; it's so good for your kid.  But do you know why I decided to breasfeed?  Money.  Yup.  When I got pregnant, we sort of fell in between financial classes.  Not poor enough to qualify for help, but not really making enough to make things really work.  The idea of spending hundreds of dollars on formula when my boobs made the stuff for free just sounded stupid.  I mean... it's free.  So, there's why I did it.  All the other stuff that's great about breastfeeding was just a bonus.

  Breastfeeding is a personal choice, just like formula feeding is.  Bottom line: that kid is getting fed, she's not letting it go hungry, which is more than we can say for a lot of others.  So when it comes time when another mother feeds their kid, we shouldn't be shaking our heads when she starts making a formula bottle or tucking her kid under a cover and pulling her boob out.  We shouldn't be saying, formula isn't as good as the breast, or I can't believe she's doing that in public, or any other stupid thing we think or say.  We should be saying, she's feeding her kid, she's doing the best she can, she's doing what works for her and her kid.  And we should smile and be happy, because the baby stopped crying and feeding your kid (whether bottle or breast) is magical.

 - The Working Mom Vs. The Stay-At-Home Mom

  Why is this a thing?  I didn't really realize what a big deal it was until I started staying at home and people would ask me what I did for a living.  And then they give you this look when you tell them you don't work.  Like, "Are you serious? So you just sit at home?".  It was a money decision again.  Literally my entire paycheck was going to go to daycare.  That didn't make sense for me.  I loved my job, but not more than I loved being with my kid.  You guys know where I stand on staying at home, it's hard and it's wonderful and it's not for everyone.

  There's no reason why any of us should be upset over someone else's personal choice.  It works for me, for now.  And I don't really understand where people get off bashing the decision either way.

  "You're setting women back fifty years! We don't HAVE to stay at home anymore.", "Doesn't she want to stay at home with her kids? Doesn't she love them more than her job?", "I couldn't sit around all day and do nothing.".

  Yes, these are all arguments I have heard from other moms about this debate.  And it really is no concern of ours what people decide to do.  We should be happy doing whatever it is we're doing with our own kids.  We each make these decisions after careful consideration, it's not anyone's place to say what is right or wrong for you and your family except for you.

-What Is This Teaching Our Kids

  So, we constantly strive to turn our kids into respectable adults and teach them right from wrong, but we all know that our kids learn by observation.  No matter how hard we try to teach them, they pick up those weird things they see and hear us doing; without fail.  So what are we teaching our kids by bashing other moms?

  What are we teaching our daughters by talking badly about other women?  Especially when we keep telling them to treat others with respect and not to judge people by how they look?  So we really think they are going to listen to what we say and not imitate what we do?  Think about how many times you gossip around your kid or make a snarky comment about another woman with your child there.  We're teaching them that it's ok to mom shame, that it's ok to gossip, that it's ok to judge.  Is that what we want to teach them?

  That's not what I want my kid taking away from me as he gets older.  And I wouldn't want my daughter to think it's ok to put down another woman just because she is different from me.  We really have to monitor how we talk about others, how we treat others, how we behave, because they are always, always watching.

  Bottom line: women are so strong and so amazing.  Just look at all these wonderful things we can do, what our bodies are capable of, how much love is in our hearts for our children.  We shouldn't be tearing each other down.  We should be standing arm in arm with one another.  Warriors on the same side fighting for longer maternity leave, better benefits for our kids, for our school systems to take away standardized testing; not what this mother does with her kid vs what I did with mine.  We are all trying to do the same thing, raise good human beings.  We should be happy our kids are fed, have a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and a mother who loves them more than life itself.  The love I have for my kid is so unimaginable.  Every tear they cry is yours, every scraped knee is your pain, every tantrum is your frustration and you could not imagine your life without them.  Just thinking about losing them puts such an ache in your heart you scoop them into your arms and tell them you love them and smother them in kisses.

  So what are we fighting about?  Seriously?

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