No #blogtunes today; the hubby is actually off work and we're opting to sit in the same room with each other as our "bonding time". Heh. He's video gaming and I'm blogging, but we are together! So, first off I want to apologize about not being on top of the blog the past few months (I've only put up my book bits) I won't bore you with excuses, just know that I am officially apologizing. And the topic up today is one I've been wanting to write about for a while now. Trying to conceive. This is one of those things that we file away and never talk about; like breast changes after pregnancy, what we really think about vaccines and post-partum depression. So, I have a little bit of experience in this area and I would like to share this conversation with you in hopes that other women who are struggling don't feel alone in this particular battle.
-My Experience
If you follow me on Instagram (@alyxandraramos) then you know that we are expecting our second child in March. What you don't know? We struggled, big time, getting that kid in there. Our first kid was a surprise; point blank, he was not expected. So, when we decided we wanted our family to grow, we figured it would be easy; a few months and we would be pregnant again, right? Wrong. After a few months of no luck, I upped my game. The charting began. And the ovulation tests. And the temperature journals. And pumping vitamins. And post sexual positions to help with fertilization. We were doing everything we were supposed to be doing; and still, month after month, there was no baby. My husband and I knew that if we couldn't have a baby the normal way, we wouldn't be able to afford any specialized treatments or therapies. This was the only way for us to have our own kid, financially, so the pressure was a little much. I would be three days late and be overcome with joy, we'd finally done it!, only to be met with disappointment in another day when my period would come. I started getting depressed. And then it kept getting worse. After nine months, I took a good look at myself in the mirror and then a good look at the beautiful, healthy child I already had and decided to quit. I was done trying. The depression was eating me and I needed to be a better mother to my kid. I already had a child that I loved more than anything, wasn't that enough? Of course, it was. It was more than enough. So, I told my husband I was done. I officially didn't want to try anymore. I got rid of my journals, deleted my ovulation apps and moved on. Three months later, I went to a minor emergency clinic because I was convinced I had a kidney infection (thanks Google). Every nurse and doctor in that clinic got to witness the full on breakdown I had when I got the news that I was actually pregnant.
-Having Support
My husband and I are pretty private people. We don't overshare on social media, our families are kept at arm's distance; we just like our privacy a bit. So when we started trying, we didn't tell anybody. This was our life and our business, we didn't need the entire world involved. Plus, we thought it would be easy. But soon it became apparent that it wasn't going to be so easy for us. And around the time we really started to struggle was around the same time that each of our families started pushing on us to have more kids. "When's the next baby coming?", "Why haven't you had another kid yet?", "You have to give [our son] a sibling; he deserves it!" That made things all the worse. It made the depression worse, it made me feel broken and inadequate and it made me hate every single one of them. Infertility is not really a thing in our families. Most of the women (save my mom and aunt) had absolutely no trouble having children. They don't understand struggling to conceive, because all of their pregnancies "just happened". It wasn't happening for me. And when I would come home crying to my husband that these things had been said to me, he would hold me and tell me that it would happen for us; to not listen to them and let it bother me. He was all the support I needed or ever wanted. And he's always been that way for me. He's supported everything I've ever done with my life and ours as a family. A friend of mine actually came clean with me about her issues with infertility. And I found some support with her as well, she became another woman I could talk to about my issues. And when I got pregnant, finally, she was the hardest person for me to tell. Because I felt like I had betrayed her; that it wasn't fair for her not to have this, too. And at first, we didn't talk about the pregnancy, but after a few months she's back in my life again and just as supportive as ever. Some people need a large support system and need to tell everyone what they're going through, but there are some (like me) who only need one or two good people. Choose your support system.
-For all the Other MomsI remember a fellow mom friend asking me when our next kid was coming. We had only been trying for a month at the time and so I very casually told her we were trying. She immediately apologized to me for sounding pushy and for prying. It was none of her business. I didn't get it at the time, but I do now. Hearing other people ask you, "When" or "Why haven't" it already starts the conversation off with the mother in question doing something wrong. Maybe they don't want any more kids or maybe they are struggling with infertility. You have no idea what they are going through. And I never realized how hurtful those questions were until I was getting them shoved down my throat. When we were at the tail end of trying, my mother in-law asked when we were going to have another baby, and I told her we might not have one. The conversation that came after that was brutal. Like I was destroying my child's life by not giving him a sibling, "You can't be serious.". But I was. And she was not on board. I was so angry that night I had trouble sleeping. What business was it of anybody's what I did with my uterus?! Who were any of these people to tell me what is best for my kid or for me? It's nobody's business. And that's why my mom friend apologized to me. She undoubtedly had been asked the same question at some point and knew that maybe everything wasn't as easy as it seemed. That we may have been struggling and that it wasn't her business to ask about my uterus and why it was fruitless. So to all the other mom's out there that have never had trouble having kids, we envy you already. Please, just be our friends that we know and love.
-Don't be so Hard on Yourself
According to the CDC, 1 of every 10 women of childbearing age have trouble getting pregnant or staying pregnant. That's over 6 million. It's not uncommon. There is nothing wrong with you. The hardest part of not getting pregnant was me asking myself why I couldn't do it. I'm a woman. This is what my body is meant to do; so, why can't I? How can all these other women be having children and not me? You feel like a failure, like you're of no use, that your women's rights should be stripped because obviously you're not one anymore. Don't beat yourself up. It happens to a lot of women. And, even though we are happy to blame ourselves, it's legitimately not always us. Sometimes our spouse can be the problem. Either way, there should be no blame. You are a team. There are options. If you can afford treatment and therapy, there is that option. There's foster parenting, adoption and surrogacy. This is not the end all to parenting, trust me. You can still have a family. It may not be what you always imagined, initially, but dreams change, right? So don't let that little voice in your head get the better of you. You're still very much a woman and there is nothing wrong with you.Bottom line? Getting pregnant is not always as easy as getting laid. Get a support system in place. Don't be afraid to talk to somebody about how you're feeling. You are not alone, I promise you. If you have quite a few mom friends, chances are one of them had trouble conceiving as well, but nobody talks about it. It makes people uncomfortable, and unless you have been through something similar, no one will know what to say. No one will know how you're feeling. There are support groups you can join and alternate options for getting those kids you want. Be strong. We're women, after all, we were built to be bullet proof and indestructible; we can handle this.
Please comment, like, share and subscribe! I hope this post helped even one person. Sharing my own story is challenging, but I felt like I needed to do it. So thank you for allowing me to share it with you. See you next time.
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