Why "13 Reasons Why" Is Important

Whether you opened this blog post because you liked "13 Reasons Why" or because you hated it, I'm glad you stopped by. Let me be clear that this post is not a synopsis or review of the Netflix series, but merely why I think everyone should watch it. I'll be honest; I dislike the series. I really do. There are a ton of things wrong with it, but we're not here to discuss it's shortcomings or why you think I'm wrong. We're all entitled to our own opinions.

The main reason, I believe, in the creation of this series is to start a conversation. What began as a book (yes, Season One was based on the book with the same title), morphed into a show that everyone has been discussing. Some people love it, while others, not so much. But it's intention was to get us talking. So, let's talk.

I'm going to break this down into three categories, primarily focusing on how schools can do better by our children in need, why we need to be diligent with our kids at home, and why reaching out for help is essential.


Schools Are Lacking

Season Two of this series focuses on the Baker's suing the school for not helping Hannah or noticing signs of bullying. In the series, the school was found not guilty, which I believe was a mistake. The bottom line (in the story), Hannah reached out for help, which is not typical of victims of rape and/or bullying. This took an incredible amount of courage. And, unfortunately, her school counselor was not prepared to help her. He carried that guilt with him, knowing that he should have done more.

Here's the thing. Bullying happens a lot, especially at school. And with the development of social media, lots of kids are braver than ever with their comments and harassment. Pictures get spread quickly, along with rumors, which can damage kids easily. We forget how impactful words can be at that age. Something small that we as adults can brush off and ignore can feel like the world to a teenager. Have you forgotten how one little thing can feel like the most critical thing in the world at that age? I haven't.

Part of the problem is our schools are not getting diligent about bullying. They say they have zero tolerance policies, but do they? Are they watching out for our kids? Are they noticing signs of depression that we're missing? You have to realize our kids spend a lot of time in school. If they're involved in after-school extracurriculars (clubs, sports, etc.) we see them even less. Honestly, maybe three to four hours out of the day our kids are home. We entrust our kids to the school for safe keeping and education. No, I'm not saying the school is a babysitter, I'm saying, they see our kids more than we do. They're reading what they're writing in class, seeing them interact with other kids, notice if they're withdrawn or acting out of character. Good teachers notice these things.

As a whole, guidance counselors are not always equipped to handle conversations like the one Hannah was trying to have with Mr. Porter. This is not a fluke or a writing error. This is a reality. Mr. Porter was not adequately trained to have that conversation. He didn't know how to make Hannah feel comfortable, feel safe, feel heard. There are counselors that specifically handle cases like Hannah's; that are specially trained to do all of those things. The problem is, we don't demand that our children's school counselors be educated in such ways. There are classes, courses, seminars they can take to help them understand how to have the conversation without pushing, blaming or shaming students with similar issues. This is something we need to take seriously. For whatever reason, Hannah decided to reach out. Not to her parents, but to someone she trusted. And he did not know how to help her. That is a travesty.

Schools need to take these kinds of shortcomings seriously, and we as parents need to be more demanding of them.


At What Point Is It Our Fault

I've always said being a parent is a team sport. We all know it's the best for our children to have two adults in the home. And I'm not saying Mom and Dad; I'm saying two adults that care about their future and their well-being. As our kids grow we expand our team to include the faculty at the school. Yes, I just spent a good chunk of time ripping into our schools but it's our responsibility as parents to work in conjunction. It's not all the school's fault. Just like it's not all our fault.

We raise our kids to be good, upstanding citizens that make good decisions, but sometimes we can be a little harsh with our kids. It's only because we want what's best and we remember all the stupid crap we did at their age. We don't want them to make the same mistakes. Do you ever wonder why your kids hide things from you? Maybe they're afraid you would get mad and punish them. Maybe they don't think you care about what they do. Maybe they don't want to disappoint you. Whatever the reason, we need to do a better job of making our kids feel safe having hard conversations with us.

We should be able to have open communications with our kids. And as they age, it's hard to give them freedom, knowing how shitty the world can be. But we must. And we must be able to check in with them.

Conversations need to begin at home at ages as young as ten and eleven. I know you think that's way too young to talk about consent and sex, but it's not. They are already becoming sexually aware, and they're figuring out changes in their bodies, puberty is coming whether you like it or not. And we have to do the right thing and have the difficult discussions. Discuss with our boys and girls what consent is and why it's essential. We need to have conversations about having safe sex and that it's ok to say no. Most people think, "I don't have to tell my kids that stuff, they know how to behave." But, you're wrong. We have to tell them. It's our job to teach them this. It's our job to explain to our boys what consent is and how to ask for it. Consent should never be implied. And it's our job to tell our daughter's to say no, to ask for help, to trust us if something happens. Build that trust young. Don't ever let your kids feel like they can't come to you. It's hard, but we have to do these things.


Why Victims Stay Silent

"Nobody likes a girl who makes a fuss." "What will people say?" These are examples of victim shaming. Victims stay silent because 1.) They think no one will believe them and 2.) Shame
"Why couldn't I stop it? Why me? They seemed like a nice person. No one will ever believe it was such and such." This is why they don't come forward.

In the case of this series, Hannah didn't want to name her attacker to Mr. Porter, and he put a lot of emphasis on the crutch of him believing her on this information. Again, this goes back to lack of training, but this is a common mistake in talking with victims. Everyone wants to know who did it. And in this case, Hannah knew that her attacker (Bryce) was extremely popular and that his parents have a lot of money. Meaning, even though Hannah did not give consent, the likelihood of Bryce being punished would be low. And her theory proved right. At the end of Season Two, Bryce got a slap on the wrist. He had money, he had a good lawyer, he had a lot of people standing behind him, even though the evidence against him was substantial.

And this is the world we live in. Where the rich and the popular somehow don't have to abide by the same rules as the rest of us. Why would Hannah speak up for herself, when the chips are stacked against her? Why would any victim, when it's just your word against theirs? Rape culture is a massive problem in this country. We put all of this shame and hate onto victims instead of standing behind them and offering them help. We like to think, "Well, she wasn't careful. She had a reputation. He's a good kid; he wouldn't do that."

None of that stuff matters. None of it. People will argue that consent is wishy-washy, that it's pliable. It's not. Consent means a confirmed yes, nothing less. And I know, in the heat of the moment, the last thing you want to do is stop and ask that. But it has to be done. And honestly, if you're not willing to stop and check, you probably think you have more rights than you do. Sex must be consensual. Always.

We have to change the way we talk about rape and treat victims if we want to make progress. Victims should not be shamed, second-guessed, or made out to be liars. We need to spend time talking about this or things will never change. Undocumented rapes will continue, abusers will keep going, victims will continue to suffer in silence. We have the power to change that. Start a conversation.

I know I mainly focused on the rape portion of "13 Reasons Why" when it also focuses on bullying, both physical and cyber. I feel like we let these conversations go and we need to step up our game. We never want something like this to happens to our kids, but we need to prepare them for how shitty the world can be. If you are a victim of rape, you have options. You have people who will listen. Go to the Rape Crisis Center or WOAR websites to find help. Both of these organizations have 24-hour helplines you can call. Ask for help. Even if it's not a parent, let someone help you.

Thanks for stopping by and having a read. There are a lot of reasons why I didn't particularly like this series, but the most important thing is it's making people talk. And we need to keep talking. Don't stop the conversation.